Neglect

I forgot about this blog for a while. I don't know why I bother. It isn't frequently read by anyone.

I don't have anything to say, especially since I wrote a novel on my LiveJournal yesterday.

I have the day off. Well, I have what's left of today off... I want to drink iced tea and go to the beach but it probably won't happen. I'm starting to get a headache.

~ Jen

I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen.

Is the rest of my life going to be this way?

It's a vicious cycle. I feel discontented with my life, so the optimist in me tells me to look forward to the day when things will be better, meanwhile I keep working at it, slowly and maybe not that surely. Then the day comes when I realize I can't always be looking forward to something forever, that I must make the best out of what I'm stuck with now. That's a lot easier said than done, and I end up feeling like shit again.

What I want is dangling right in front of me but it's like I can't lift a finger to get it because the person with all the control will just take it right back.

Save room for my love.

I'm sick. :(

Joe and I skipped class on Tuesday because we were too busy discussing several things.

And I skipped class today because, well, I'm fucking sick, that's why! I don't like this. I hate being sick. Tomorrow is my day off and I'll just spend it being sick unless I magically recover tonight.
Joe went to school by himself which I would not prefer since that area is potentially dangerous, especially at night. I know that he's the guy and that I shouldn't be worried but I am anyway. I don't know what it is, but when we're together walking somewhere or on the bus and some weirdo shows up or someone who looks like he or she wants to cause trouble comes around, it's like I'm on my guard, ready to defend the both of us. So that must not be only a guy-quality. Maybe it's the fact that I'm Puerto Rican. If anyone messes with me or my own, I'll beat their ass down or get severely fucked up trying to. I'm usually a friendly person, but if you cross me, watch out. It's just a good thing that no one ever really tries to mess with me since I'm so amiable. Hehe!
I'm very territorial, though. If another girl is looking at Joe, I give her the most evil look possible without even trying. I narrow my eyes, stand closer to him, and turn my nose at up at anyone who dare try to flirt or even look at my prawn. I find it quite entertaining in retrospect, though, and so does Joe. I told him that he best keep his eyes on the floor or the sky but if I catch him checking someone out -- and say that bitch decides to act on it -- not only will I beat her ass down, but I'll make sure he pays for it too.
That reminds me of this one time at the last boat party we went to. I was a little tipsy and was just standing around next to Joe and he's talking to his friends and shit. Some white ass blonde ho comes up and says to Joe, "How come you never called me that one time??" I actually gasped and looked at first Joe then the girl with a "Oh-hellllll-no-bitch" look on my face. Joe looked at me and saw that I was getting pissed, and he told me right then that she gave him her number a long time ago before we were going out. I grabbed Joe's arm and stared her ass down as he said that it was because he was interested in someone else (me). That's right bitch, turn around before I turn your white ass red.

Forgive me, I'm sick and I can't think clearly. And when I'm sick and not thinking clearly, I don't use proper grammar and/or spelling and I like to talk about hurting people.

I am going to take NyQuil and lay the fuck down. KNOCK ME OUT! KNOCK! ME! OUT!!!

Gravity always wins.

On my lunch break this morning, I didn't eat anything. I just sat there and thought about things. Without meaning to, I went back a little over two years to my senior year of high school, and let time slowly go forward again. I put myself as I am now into the past and thought about what I might have done differently. If I were stuck in the past as I am now, would I try to make contact with the people I know now, or would I do it differently?
Shortly thereafter, I felt something one step away from fear because it occurred to me how precious my life and those that are in it are to me, and how fucking lucky I am to have all these people, even those that I may know only fleetingly.

To anyone I've brushed off or kept myself closed to, I'm sorry. You really do mean a lot to me.

prawn + special sauce = the perfect shrimp cocktail

There are days when a person feels more amorous than usual, and this is one of them. [I especially love this picture of him. This was taken before I knew him.]
This weekend was fun. It was something different, and I can't say I wasn't in need of something different. I'm not used to being in a car, so that was nice. Seeing the city from a car's perspective is so strange. I'm used to walking. Giving directions can be tricky as well because I never pay attention to which streets go which way.
I got four hours of sleep last night but that's OK. I had myself some caffeine at work and made it through in a bouncy mood. It's about 2 pm now and I feel pretty good. The rest of the day will be spent indoors because it's quite rainy out, but that's perfect. I felt like drinking tea anyway.

I have a catering gig on Wednesday. Well, not quite. Will, the owner of the tea place down the street, has asked me to work with him at - you guessed it - Diane Feinstein's house this Wednesday from 2 pm to 6 pm. It pays $50.00 and all I have to do is serve shit. I'm so good at that, I can be the hugest social butterfly if I wanna. But just being able to say that I've been to Diane Feinstein's house will be cool enough. I'm gonna tell her that I voted for her and that I love her! Yay for Californian Democrat female politicians! Hah!

My heart won't be your ragdoll anymore.

I keep going back and forth. Never too far back, of course. Let's just say I have my ups and downs about him. But no matter how frustrated or hurt I get, I know deep down that I could never do anything drastic. I physically and emotionally couldn't. I find that fact comforting because I don't think myself a particularly stupid person...
Oh well if this doesn't make any sense.

December is up in the air as far as I'm concerned. I hate not having control of the matter, therefore I've given up. Whatever happens, happens. I won't lift a finger to do anything. I don't like being nonchalantly referred to as a mere possibility among many. I won't stand for it.

Ah, well, I'll deal with things as they come.

Think twice.

I went to sleep pissed off and woke up pissed off.

Last night, Joe fell asleep before I did and therefore when I tried to go to bed, he wouldn't let me sleep by him, so I had to go lay down by myself. Like I said, I went to sleep pissed off.

Then, before I woke up, I had this strange dream. I can't quite remember the order of events but all I can say is that in this dream, Joe had admitted to cheating on me. He spoke about it a little too easily. He described spending time with her, her personality, everything. It was the idea of him being close with another person, just like the way he is with me... That's what really got to me. If he just had meaningless sex with some bitch, that would have been almost preferable.

Needless to say, I woke up pretty bitter. Joe was on his way out to school, so he came over and said he was sorry for pushing me away the night before, and that it was because he was really tired and didn't feel like moving. He saw the pissed off look on my face and I could tell he felt bad. Then I realized that I got my period so I got bitchy and sauntered off to the bathroom. Poor guy went to school thinking I'm still pissed at him.

So, today I am going to take a shower, go get my paycheck, clean up the apartment, and try to get into a better mood before he gets back. I might have to get some chocolate, but that's OK. If I ever had a reason to mindlessly eat chocolate, this would be it. :)